Hey hey mamas,
Welcome to another real post coming at you from my heart. Well, technically from my home office computer but…yeah, my heart and personal experience. Divorce is one of the most difficult and traumatic experiences in life. Sadly it happens more often than not in marriages and it can leave you shattered. In this post, I am going to help you navigate the hard roads and find the motivation and strength to survive the beginning of this painful process of divorce.
How To Survive The Beginning Of A Divorce
When we are smiling on our wedding day the idea of divorce is far from our minds. Most women never really think about the what-ifs when you come to marriage. We say our vows, and at the time we mean forever so when it all comes to an end and it is no longer till death do us part, we must come to terms with the end of that chapter of our lives. For some, it can be a mostly good thing that leaves us relieved, and ready to move on. For others, it is tragic, heartbreaking and something we wish we could somehow save. But no matter what frame of mind you are in when those divorce papers are in front of you, you have to pick up that pen and end it.
Think of it as a death in the family…
The best and most healthy way to deal with the stages of a divorce is much the same as dealing with someone close to you’s death. Everyone grieves in their own usually personal way and grieving the death of your marriage is no different than grieving over your late grandmother. It is a relationship and person that you once loved, cherished and shared precious life-altering moments with. You made promises, had children, shared a home, a life and now it is all over. Just as if that person has died, you have to pick up your own pieces and carry on without them.
Going through the grieving process is a natural way to handle all of the deep and sometimes shifting emotions of going through a divorce. Feeling heartbroken, empty, lonely and missing the person are normal and can happen, especially at the beginning. Then things may change and you feel angry, or betrayed. All this comes in waves and will take some time to settle and process. There are some cases where you may not feel anything at all, or you may ever feel overjoyed and want to go and have a divorce party with your girlfriends. Whatever the case, and whatever your emotions about the end of your marriage are, grieving over the loss of the relationship is ultimately healthy.
Lean on those close to you…
Going to your close friends and family members is a great way to get support and not feel so alone during this change in your life. Leaning on your loved ones is never weak or pathetic, especially at a time like this. If the people in your life love you, then they will be with you through it all and support you in your time of need. So don’t be afraid to ask for help or seek out more time with the people you know care about you the most. Their support will make all the difference.
Be honest with yourself and your kids…
Being honest isn’t always the easiest thing, in difficult times such as these it’s much easier to fib a little or leave out and ignore certain details and hide away from the truth. But let me tell you, it’s not going to make anything better. You need to be honest wth yourself about what went wrong, how you feel, what you really want and what kind of person your ex-spouse is. Also, don’t shy away from the truth to your kids either. Kids are much smarter then we tend to give them credit for and they pick up on a lot and likely already know what’s up. So unless they are very young, say under 4 years old, you need to be honest with them and tell them why your marriage has failed and why they are losing a parent.
Dealing with the end of any relationship as a parent is extremely difficult and fragile situation. Use caution with what words you chose to use around your kids and make sure they understand as best they can. Try to avoid negative words as best you can and don’t bash the other parent, no matter how much you want to or how awful a person he is. Your kids will learn for themselves and develop their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions as they grow up. If you will be co-parenting and your kids will still be spending any time with the other parent, don’t forget there’s the other side of the coin. So use care with your words and actions. For more insight on how to handle a breakup as a mom please read when your child gets dumped too.
Counseling and or therapy…
In the early stages or even the aftermath of a divorce, some couples seek out help. There are things like mediation whether it be your idea or the courts, and there is couples therapy or simply talking to a therapist on your own if you feel like it would be beneficial to you. These can be helpful and may calm the crazy happening in your head and in your life. If you think counseling or therapy might be something you want to look into, then I highly recommend going to Regain.
Closure. One of the rare moments of fully closing one door and being ready to open another. It doesn’t come easy and it doesn’t come often, if at all. Fighting to find peace and closure with your situation will be a struggle and it will take a long time, years probably, and staying strong while going through changes and a rollercoaster of emotions will be fun (sarcastically). I am no closure expert, trust me, I’m nowhere near there myself. I know it is achievable though, for most, and I hope you will find yours. So if you are happy about your divorce, or broken, just know this too shall pass and one day you will see it all much clearer and look back and be grateful for these life lessons, experiences and new paths.
Hang in there mama, and remember that you are never alone (hence the name of my blog 🙂 )
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Much love, Jess XO