The Pro’s, No’s, And Woes Of Online Dating (As A Single Mom)

The Pro’s, No’s, And Woes Of Online Dating As A Single Mom
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Online dating, it can be fun…..right?

Ok girls, it’s time to get real. We’re single, and the world of online dating has become the thing…and it is inevitable. Well, for most of us. Seeing as the old school ways of meeting guys is well….old school. It’s very difficult if not darn near impossible to meet men the good old fashioned way, especially if you’re a mom. Getting out and about where we might have a chance of meeting any single guy just…simply does not happen.  If we ever do surprisingly run into a handsome fella like say, at the grocery store, we’ve got whining kids attached to our cart and that may as well be a big flashing sign that says “LEPER” on our foreheads.  No brave soul will dare come near, or even make eye contact.  It’s the truth. Men are terrified of us single mom’s…we have to admit it. And when it comes to meeting these gutless men online with all the savvy and fun apps and dating sites that are out there it makes the whole experience…easier….or does it? 

Now -a -days there is a dating site for everything and everyone you can imagine. So whatever and whoever you are, there is a match for you! Disney fan? Yep, there’s a site for that. Farmer? Yes, there’s a site for that. Got extra curves? Yep. There are even dating sites for women who love beards, golfers, sea captains and….vampires? So whatever it is you’re looking for, it’s out there. As terrifying as that may…or may not be. With all the options out there, every swipeable app and flirtatious sounding website, and with the pressure on from every family member, friend and lonely night about when we’re going to find a man,  we easily fall into the world wide web of what is online dating. Below are my personal Pro’s, No’s, and Woes.

  • Pro:  It’s easy, mobile & convenient. With most dating sites offering downloadable versions for your phone, you can carry around your own black book of single dudes. Get messages as soon as they are sent and get a notification every time your profile gets a “like”. You can check out these sometimes criminal looking guys anytime you like and chat whenever you find a moment in your hectic day as a mom. No stress. 
  • No: Disrespectful, educationless, rude and honestly horny guys. Sadly, in mine and most all other’s women’s cases, the majority of the men we connect with are about as dumb as a brainless scarecrow and extremely disrespectful to women in general. With no thought or care about our children, or to even spell a simple word correctly, they expect us to drop what we’re doing, dump our kid/s off with a babysitter and go “hook up” with them at their beck and call. Like dude, I just started talking to you fifteen minutes ago, and you want me to just run off and come meet up with you right now? Get real, as if. Men let their urges turn off their brains…apparently. I don’t even have a babysitter, wherever I go, so does my kid. Want to get me alone? Then you’ll have to marry me first you baboon, cause it’s not likely gonna happen as long as my kid is under 18.  Want to go out on a  date? Unless it’s out to eat might as well be plastic pizza at Chuck E. Cheese then yeah right.  Not cool?  Then fine, you lazy, uneducated, disrespectful, baggy pants wearing, horny, no good lame excuse for a man is so not worth my time. 
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  • Woe:  Scardy cats. Remember the flashing sign on our foreheads? Yeah, those pop up in the online world too. Once most guys find out we are moms, and we can’t/won’t abandon our responsibilities to go run off with them at a moment’s whim, hook up at 1am or let them come over they run for the hills. Men don’t go out looking for single moms, they just don’t. Most of them treat us as if we’re diseased….hence, the flashing “LEPER” sign we carry around.  They may seem sweet, understanding and nice at first until the conversation deepens or they ask to meet to up and we mention we have kids. We say”No, I’m sorry but I can’t. Maybe we can work out something sometime, though.” And 99.9% won’t ever even respond back. They’ve already left the chat window before even reading the rest of our message. They disappear in a flash of color, leaving skid marks and whatever was in their pockets behind them. Cartoonish sound effects included. Well, there goes that. Next! And the same thing happens every time, no matter now nice and mature the guy seems at first. As soon as they find out we have kids or that we can’t meet up in person right away, poof! Their magnificent disappearing act leaves up astounded. My kid’s own father wouldn’t stick around, so why should I expect some stranger to? There’s some reality for you. Don’t expect every man you meet to be patient and respectful of motherhood. Most aren’t.
  • Pro: Exciting, fun, and flirty. On the rare occasion that we actually meet a guy that doesn’t look like he should be on an episode of Cops, has a sense of humor and sticks around long enough to read the full message after they see the word “kids”, it can be kind of exciting to meet someone new, and start chatting with someone you hope looks as cute in person as he does in his profile picture. When he messages you on a regular basis, asks questions about you or even just asks “how was your day?” you get that little flutter, it never lasts long, but the fact that it’s possible to get it at all is itself miraculous. Cutesy emoji’s, being called beautiful or getting random messages throughout the day is refreshing and flirty, which can be fun.

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  • No: Dirty pics. Ok, it’s time to get even more real for a sec. Ever open up a message and to your shock see something….that makes you think if their camera aim and selfie game is …off? Yeah, we’re talking dick pic’s girls. Don’t be shy, you know it happens. More often than not.  Some will say hi first, other’s will not. Online dating is interesting, that’s for sure! You have to be prepared for the creepers, peepers, and nude pic senders. Just take it from ole’ Forrest Gump. “Life if like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”
  • Woe: Let’s go back to the first No, for a moment and discuss the guys who can’t communicate properly if their pathetic lives depended on it. I’m so sick of seeing the worst grammar imaginable, the most simple of words spelled incorrectly and oh my heavens if I get one more  “hey whats good” message I swear I’ll take a baseball bat to something. Doesn’t anyone know how to say hello and introduce themselves anymore? Why can’t a guy start a conversation the proper way? UGG. It’s so irritating and it makes me facepalm every single time. C’mon guys, really? 

So with all the pro’s, no’s and woes that come with online dating, is it really worth our time moms? What do you think? Are we fated to stay single for the rest of our lives?

Please follow my blog for more on my online dating journies and more topics I know you’ll love! Stay strong girls!

-Jess XO

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When Your Child Gets Dumped Too.

Dating is hard, and when you’re a mom it’s even harder….What about getting dumped? 

When you date, it’s usually a fun and flirty experience filled with late nights at the latest hot spot, cuddling on the couch or what the hip kids call Netflix & Chill these days, texting, swiping right and the butterflies and potential new beginnings.  But when you’re a mom, suddenly dating is no longer about all the fun, it’s a serious and dangerous world of having to not only protect yourself from harm but also your kid/s. When they are involved, the whole dating scene changes, now you have to worry about babysitters, how much you should or shouldn’t talk about your kid/s, bringing them along for outings, if your date has kids to consider as well and how fast your kid/s bond with this person. It becomes a complicated and stressful strategy instead of fun and flirty. Making sure your child doesn’t get hurt becomes a huge priority, as if worrying about yourself getting hurt wasn’t bad enough. If things don’t work out, how is your child going to handle it?

What happens when your child gets dumped too?

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When a break up occurs, it’s not just about you, your child has been left as well.Not that your devastation is any less or less important, but you can’t forget that your child knew this person too and is probably feeling sad and confused. Depending on the depth of the relationship, length of time together and how this person and your child bonded, it will naturally affect how things go down afterward. Whether the relationship lasted years or months, your child probably spent decent amounts of time around this person and got used to them being in their/your life and is feeling quite confused about the sudden shift. In most cases, there usually isn’t a goodbye and explanation for them leaving and continued contact. So they may be feeling a little abandoned, especially if your child got close to this person, developed a relationship of their own and saw him as a father figure. In your heart, you probably hoped that this person would become a step parent to your child and the relationship would end in a beautiful wedding. But, things happen and when that hope was severed, the disappointment won’t be felt by you alone. Your child was probably sharing that dream right along with you.

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All children react differently to situations like this in life, some may be heartbroken, some may just be a little sad while others may not even really care. You know your child best and will more than likely see the effects unfold over time. Questions will be asked, and you may or may not have the answers. There’s a good chance you have questions of your own and are not entirely sure yourself why the relationship ended. Even if you have all the answers it may be painful to explain them and say them out loud, most especially to your little one.

 How do we comfort our hurting child when we need comforting ourselves?  

It’s not easy.  It may be hard to get the words out as we may be feeling just as lost as our child. Probably more.

In my case, my last serious relationship ended very abruptly and mainly because of my child. This person could not handle my son and all the realities of dating a woman with a child, and all the things that came with that.  It all just got too much, and it all crashed and burned in a matter of breathless moments. When my son asked why this person was no longer in our life, I refrained from saying “it’s your fault” when even though in that moment, in my anger, pain and utter despair, I wanted to.  It’s been close to a year and a half now, and my son  still occasionally asks questions like “Why doesn’t (so&so) love us anymore?” ” Why can’t we ever see him again?” “Why doesn’t he call us?” The fact that’s it’s been this long and he still brings him up kills me.  This person was the closest thing my son has had to a father figure since his actual so-called “father” is not in the picture. Even though we dated less than a year my son bonded with my ex very quickly and deeply. To be honest…so did I. Much to the heartbreak of us both.  What really twists the knife into the open and rotting wound….is when my son says things like this…”Mommy, do you remember (so&so)? He was my best friend and I miss him. Why can’t we just go to his house? I want to play with him today. Do you remember him, mommy?” As if I have forgotten….I wonder how long I will have to respond with “Yes, I remember him baby, and we can’t see him anymore, I’m sorry.”

When will he forget? Will he forget? 

Everyone’s way of dealing with breakups and heartache are different.  Being brutally honest with yourself and your little one/s may be the way to go. Or, being more dismissive of the whole thing is best? You are the mother and adult, so you decide. Every case is different for each family.  Things may be even harder if you lived together, now the entire family dynamic has changed. Your world and theirs are rocked. Some couples may take things slower and more traditional and opt for more casual dating and keep a lot of their personal lives out of the picture, at least maybe at first. A lot of women decide to not even introduce their children to their new partner until a certain milestone in the relationship has passed if even ever at all. But some mothers like me, don’t have the luxury of keeping their children hidden away for every date and day spent together. Some of us, don’t have babysitters, relatives nearby or anyone to watch the munchkin while mommy goes out. There are even times when we can’t help but have a wee one in tow because let’s get real. We’re moms. So at one point or another, our boyfriends and our kids will cross paths and the realities of being grown ups comes to a head.

No matter the situation or decisions we make in our dating life, we must never forget that our children come first. We must not lose sight of what’s most important, and that is our child’s well being. Emotional well-being should always be a priority and damage can occur with them the same way it can with us. Being vulnerable to let down’s, heartbreak and getting dumped is just a part of the dating cycle we all suffer through. It just shouldn’t have to be that way for our kids too, but unfortunately…it is. So going forward, how do you go on and put yourselves through it all over again? Do you just dive right in and hope for a better outcome this time? Do you learn from certain mistakes and try again doing things differently?  Do you become one of those moms who drops the kid off somewhere to go on a date and in turn be selfish? Or heck, do you swear off love and dating altogether until the kids are grown? Only you know what is ultimately right for you and your family.  You are stronger than you know and are an empowered woman worthy and any man’s respect, so hold your head high, feel confident in your yoga pants and carry on.  A real man would want you, stretch marks, screaming kids, mom van and all and if he got hit by a bus and never shows? It’s ok girl, you got this. I promise. Now go take care of those children of the corn…I mean precious little angles…..

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Love & Light,

Your girl – Jess. XO